This Is For the Folk Dancers...

If you get offended easily... you might not want to read this... sorry. :)

This semester has been hell for me. Perhaps part of that hell was self-inflicted and I accept that now. I alienated myself from my closest friends, including my best friend. I did try for a while, but any reminder of what I had lost and I felt torn to pieces, a million of them. Tiny little pieces. It was its worst when I would hear people complain about how busy and stressed they were because of everything they had to do and how much time folk dance takes up. I wanted to scream at them, "Be grateful! You get to do it and I don't. I would give ANYTHING to be where you are!"

I was angry for a long time. My grades suffered. I had no motivation, no concentration. Nothing mattered to me and I didn't care about anything. I felt lost and alone. Again, part of this was probably my fault, but I digress.

I did everything I thought I could to forgive the people I hated and forget about everything that had mattered to me. It took longer than it should have, perhaps, but not too long ago, I did just that. Now it's CAW time and I once again have the great sense of loss. So.... no. I will not be attending CAW. As much as I want to support everyone, it is better for me that I do not. But I DO want you to know, my friends, that I love you. And I'm sorry for the way I've been. It was unfair to you and I know that. I hope that you, in turn, can forgive me and that maybe (cross our fingers) I can be the supportive groupie that you all deserve.

Here's love and luck to all of you who are performing this weekend. Please please PLEASE enjoy it! You have no idea how blessed you are! Forget how deprived of sleep and injured you are and live in the moment. Share your love and light with everyone. I know you can.

When Your Life Flashes Before Your Eyes

So in the last 24 hours, I almost died.

... Taking in those words....

That sudden rush that stops your heart and build the pressure in your thoracic cavity tends to make you look at your life and evaluate. There are a million and one things that I want to do that I haven't done, maybe some that I've even put off. That stupid phrase "life is short and then you die" makes a lot more sense than ever now. Being happy is important. Not regretting choices or opportunities.

I sat there and thought to myself, "there are so many things I haven't done." I don't ever want to think that again. And maybe this came at the perfect time in my life. I am making a new, fresh start. And I don't want to regret it. So if you ever catch me about to do something you think I'll regret... stop me. And you will have my thanks. Eternally. Seize the day!

Taking a New Road

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma- which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." -Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs was a genius. How much can one person do in their lifetime... it seems almost impossible to me. I have never felt like what I did amounted to much for anyone else. I wasn't striving to impact people in a big way. That wasn't my path. I followed the crowd, lingering a little bit behind as to allow them to pave the way for me. But now I've come to my very own crossroads and I have to make my own decision. There is no one to pave the way for me.

June 2010 in California, my sister Katie was walking on the beach with me when she made a prediction. She said, "Christina, I predict that you will find a major that will surprise you. You will travel someplace new and you will serve a friend and enjoy it." Now her predictions were for the coming year and they didn't come true then, but they are certainly starting to poke their heads out of the ground like late bloomers often do.

I am a late bloomer, I think. I am just now coming to realize things that would have made my life so different three or even four years ago. Everything happens for a reason and I simply need to trust that the Lord has His plans for me. But in truth, it is as Steve said. "Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become." How many of us have drowned out the emotional for the sensible? Now, I am most definitely NOT saying that everything we do should be emotional... there is a time and place for that. But when we allow our heads to direct our every movement and decision... I'll leave that sentence unfinished mostly because I feel as though the answer is different for everyone. You look back at life and realize that the things that made your world turn a year ago, hardly matter at all to you now. So look at the problems you're facing currently and remember that. Easier said than done, of course, but every little bit helps.

Life is plain old scary and often you feel like you have to face it alone. And in some ways, you do. I look into my future, terrified of what I don't see there. No husband, no job, no life plan. But then I realize that I'm trying to see far ahead of me... all the way to the horizon, the ultimate ending and that, my friends, is cheating. We've all heard the saying "take joy in the journey" and it may seem redundant, but it's true! As much as life sucks sometimes, what we become, who we are when we go to meet our maker, is found on this road. So don't choose the one your parents think is right for you, or the one that your friends are going down, or the road that everyone is traveling... Take the road that was meant for you. It may be covered in moss and leaves and look a wee bit scary... or a lot bit scary... but it was meant for you. And as long as you have faith, Heavenly Father will take your hand and lead you down that road.

And just in case you don't believe me, believe Brian Stokes Mitchell. His voice says it all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a50HfPVpMZY

The Metaphorical Cliff

This is it. I'm taking the plunge. And when I say plunge, I truly mean it. You're talking to a senior here. Theoretically, I should be graduating at the end of April. However, due to my late start on my current major, and then my discomfort with where I was, I have fallen rather short of that 4 year stretch. I've found myself asking, "Why am I doing this? Why am I here? What's the purpose of this?" After months of this, I knew that it was time to step back and take a look at what my life has become.

I was on the phone with my good friend talking about the things that change our life paths. As she was reassuring me that things would all work out as long as I'm doing what I should be and putting my trust in the Lord. And then it sort of hit me.

I don't want to do Athletic Training. I don't want to major in Dance. And so I made a decision. A decision that scares me. I'm making a 180. I'm closing my eyes and diving into the abyss. I met with an academic counselor and I'm changing my major. What to? As of yet, I have no idea. I have no direction. But I know that it's right and I'm putting all my faith in God.

Laugh

Ha. Sometimes it's important to laugh, even when you don't feel like it. So ha. Ha ha!

Change

Life changes. Everything in life changes. There is no way to stop it or even to slow it down. The only thing that we can possibly do is to follow it as it tumbles through what shaky constancies we have just built. We rebuild and then we wait for it to come plunging through again. Do we ever really know who we are? I’m not sure that we do… or that we can… fully understand each point of our own soul. Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he put us together. We are mysteries even to ourselves. Each time change destroys our sturdy base, it gives us the opportunity to discover a little more about ourselves. If we are one thing, we are insecure. Because change is the only consistency in life, we cannot remove the insecurity, but we can learn to cover it up, to pretend as though we could care less one way or another what people think of us.

Laughable.

I am perhaps more guilty of this than anyone. It becomes a talent- chortling and tossing your hair, rolling your eyes, batting your lashes, swatting at the air, saying without words that nothing matters. Who cares that he doesn’t like you back? Who cares that you’re not the best dancer on the team? Who cares if you get worse grades than your roommate? Who cares if you spend every weekend at home alone?

You do and you know it.

Now, with plenty of practice, you may almost convince yourself that all of the above-mentioned questions don’t apply to you, that you have become infallible. No one is invulnerable. You putting up a shield to protect your heart and your soul just shows the world how much you care and how insecure you truly are.

My ramble of words has brought me to a point where I can no longer recall what they all mean, or what their purpose was, but it’s a pleasure to have them down on paper where, if anyone so chooses, they may be seen and utilized into individual’s lives. Perhaps they mean something to you. Perhaps you disregard them as a load of rubbish. I will not deny that there is a possibility that you are correct in that assumption. But for the sake of my insecurities, keep that opinion to yourself.

"As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten"

I'm sure that many people have experienced the feeling I am about to describe. It's a pretty natural one, after all. We choose goals in life, paths, if you will, to follow. Why do we do this? So that we don't bore ourselves to death with every day nothings. It also gives us something to look forward to... something to hope for. Since the ripe age of 5, my ideal has been the Performing Arts Company... PAC... Folk Dance. And last week, after years of hard work and disappointment, I received the final blow.

There are so many good things about folk dance besides just the dancing. There's the cultures you get to learn about and even more than that, the people you get to know in the program. Some of my best friends I met in folk dance. It has been my focus for the past three years. And now it's gone. Just like that. In the space of a few moments, my plans for the next two years went from being extremely busy to extremely... nothing.

So what do you do when our dream of 15 years is gone for good? You find a new dream. Thanks to a good friend I was led to this general conference article by D. Todd Christofferson. He recounts a story initially told by President Hugh B. Brown.

"God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:

“I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall.

“And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …

“… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”

How lucky am I that He loves me that much, enough to hurt me, to take me from a path because He knows that there is something much better for me out there which has got to be pretty spectacular.

Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty broken right now and totally lost as to what to do next, but I know that He is watching out for me, ready to guide me to what is waiting for me and I'm excited for the adventure but devastated at what I leave behind. My dear dear friend Ari told me something once. She said that it will get easier as you thank Him for not doing putting you on PAC. She's a trooper and an angel and someone I always look up to. And I know she's right.

So enough depression for a moment. My whole point is not to get empathy points but merely to state that Heavenly Father has reasons for EVERYTHING. Things don't just happen, we each have a path that He designed specifically for us because He LOVES us. So incredibly much that He sent His Son to die for us. Not just die, but suffer so badly that he bled. Not from any old injury, but from His pores. From the glands in His skin. It was excruciating but He did it all for us. And He continues to watch out for us. Every moment of every day. So when we walk to the edge of all the light we have, and take that step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen-- there will be something solid for us to stand on, or God will teach us how to fly. So when something doesn't work out, it's because something muchbetter is waiting for you around the corner, you just have to pray for the patience and the guidance to wait for/find it. If I can do it, you definitely can! Until next time peeps... muah!

When Life Hands You Lemons...

I'm not entirely sure who coined the phrase, but I'm pretty sure they said it wrong. When life hands you lemons, you don't jump up straight away and make lemonade. Nope, you go over to your neighbor's and ask to borrow some sugar. And THEN you make lemonade. I have a little bit of experience with this; that's why I feel as though I'm an authority on the subject.

For years and years, I spent all my spare time freaking out about the little things, especially when it came to school. When I got to college and my perfect 4.0 vanished after the first semester, and after I nearly gave myself a heart attack freaking out about it, I realized something. All I can do is my best and be satisfied with who I am. That is it. The whole 9 yards. Don't be any more or any less. Just be you and the rest will fall into place. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a dancer, a child, a young woman, a grown up, a learner, a teacher, a roommate, a reader, a writer, and so many other things that I can't even list at this moment.

When I was young, dancing at my studio, my teacher told me, "Christina, when you get older, people will try to tell you what you're not; what you can't do. Don't listen to them." At that point, in my innocent 8 year old state, I couldn't imagine anyone telling me that I couldn't do something (unless I already knew I couldn't/shouldn't be doing it anyway). It blew my mind and I quickly forgot it. Until it started happening.

Life is a constant battle of tests. Let me use dance as an example. There are those who are born with the gift of dance and then there are those who are born to dance. I am the latter. It has taken me many many years to come close to understanding what that really means. I can't count the number of times I have shed tears over it. How amazing would it be to be able to do something naturally with very little work? I know several people who have this ability. I am not one of those. Even now, I still struggle every day for a tiny slice of understanding the way a movement is supposed to feel on my body. How do they make it look so easy? One of my teachers told me that I should, perhaps, look for another creative outlet if dance wasn't doing it for me. His real message was clear. He did not think that I was born to dance.

Let me tell you all something right now. No one should tell you what you can and can't do. Who are they to judge your life? Have they been you? Do they know what being you is like? No! Only you know what being you is like so there is not a soul in this world who can say, "No Christina. You aren't a dancer. You aren't smart. You're not pretty." I know that I am all of those things. Of course there are days when I don't remember but I do know. And so should you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzE1mX4Px0I

The Power of Music

There is something so moving about notes moving in progressions. It stirs something inside me and I can't help but feel. Recently, I have been struggling with some emotions that have been a little too strong for my frame of mind, my consciousness. But I can always rely on music to help me find sanity again, or on the flip side, it gives me the sanctuary to drown in my insanity for just long enough that I am assured I may find relief. Here is a prime example:

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind  The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out You left me in the dark No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight In the shadow of your heart  And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat I tried to find the sound But then, it stopped, and I was in the darkness, So darkness I became  The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out You left me in the dark No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight In the shadow of your heart  I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map And knew that somehow I could find my way back Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too So I stayed in the darkness with you  The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out You left me in the dark No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight In the shadow of your heart  The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out You left me in the dark No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight In the shadow of your heart