Playing Catchup

Ah hey. It's been another... almost year! I don't really have any excuses for not writing. I guess my life kind of went in another direction and blogging about it didn't seem like a thing that I should be doing? I can't really say for sure. Because, as far as my boring life goes, quite a lot of stuff happened.
So... recap:

Summer 2013: I went to South Korea for a couple months. It was an exciting time. There were good and bad times. I learned a lot. I did not come back fluent, but I was competent enough to travel across the country on my own with a friend who spoke the same amount that I did. (Which, in retrospect, was definitely not enough...) Back in Utah, I spent the rest of the summer playing with my sisters and devising my schedule for the coming school year. Which is when I found out how very close to graduation I was. Which freaked me out a little bit. But it was long past due so I figured I would give it my all. However, the closer to the start of semester I got, the more I realized that I wasn't really prepared to graduate. I didn't feel as though I had fulfilled all that I wanted to. I didn't feel accomplished, or prepared to enter the workforce. Man, I didn't even like my major! I had no plan, no notion of what I was going to do after graduation. I didn't even have a hint of an idea as to what kind of job I wanted to get. Buuut... BYU pushed me to graduate. In fact, they wanted me to forget my minor and my language classes; they wanted me to finish in a semester and graduate in December. I pushed real hard for that extra semester...

Fall 2013/Winter 2014: School. My last year. I spent the fall teaching dance in Pleasant Grove and taking something like 16 credits. I was stressed about money- as much as I loved teaching, it was a long drive and not enough hours to really get me through my bills. So I was also looking for a job. Thank goodness for connections! In December, roommate introduced me to Jeff Strong, a fantastic BYU police officer who gave me a job at the Museum of Art on campus. And I took the early shift. Kill me, I was up at 4:30 every morning, but I enjoyed the work and I needed it. My second semester was a race against time. I cared more about my language class than I did about any of my major classes. I was graduating in just a few months and the only thing topping my enormous pile of regrets was the fact that I was terrified of what I was going to do after BYU. I hated myself for the decisions that had led me to where I was academically. But I was graduating and there wasn't much I could do about except try to pass my classes. (Which I did, in case you were wondering.) Some time in March, I got a call from my sister Katie, who lives in Virginia with her husband and daughter. She told me that her nanny couldn't work for them anymore and was wondering if I would like to come to Virginia for the summer to watch my niece. I prayed. I pondered. I was ready to get out of Utah and here was my opportunity. So I jumped.

Summer 2014: Never did I ever think that I would be living in Virginia. But Grace is the sweetest, cutest, most wonderful little one-year old in the world and I am SO LUCKY that I get to spend so much time with her. It was a very different kind of summer, but I enjoyed it. I liked the new atmosphere, meeting new people, attending a tiny branch of singles that was the polar opposite of any BYU ward I'd attended. I miss Utah. I miss my family and friends. I miss the familiarity. I miss the mountains and the church. But I've learned a lot. Not just about the world, but about myself. Things I probably wouldn't have learned if I'd stayed in Utah. I started searching for life options. Go back to school? For what? What did I really want to do? Go back to Utah? Get a job? Move to Korea and teach English? Nothing was really very clear. And it was stressful. Lots of praying and hoping. And faith. Lots and lots of faith. Because I know, regardless of what does or does not happen, that Heavenly Father will guide me.
Fall 2014: Trying to get a better idea of what I wanted to do... found out my sister was having another baby and it was like an answer to a prayer. I needed to stay in Virginia. It wasn't my plan, but I knew it was right. I got a calling in the branch's relief society presidency and another job at Habitat for Humanity in the family services department. Also a lot of new experiences. I never thought I'd be the "crazy Mormon" but at Habitat, I am!

Now: It's 2015 and I'm still no closer to making a discovery about a life path. It's one of my New Year's resolutions though! ;) A chance to go to Korea to teach English with a friend came up. Initially, I was feeling okay about it. I love Korea, in spite of some of the anxiety that comes up whenever I think about it, and I would be with a friend. So I sent in my resume. Which is a pretty big step for me, considering less than a year ago, I was 100% sure that I didn't ever want to teach English.  I wasn't feeling great about it still, but I felt that it was probably time to take a leap and Korea would definitely be a leap. Well, it turns out that they wanted us in March. And the more I thought about it, the worse it felt. I am committed to Grace and little sister, to my friends, to my branch, to Norfolk, to this current situation, until they move this summer. And March is only two months away. But I prayed about it. I talked to my sister about it. And even after she gave her blessing and said it would be fine, they would figure it out, I did not feel good about it. Even more so, I didn't want to go. And then I made a sort of realization. I think I've been trying to make other peoples' dreams my own. Someone is really excited about teaching in Korea so it excites me too. Someone else is going to grad school and is feeling very fulfilled, if a little stressed, so I should go to grad school too. Life is comfortable and familiar in Utah so I should definitely go back to living there too. These are all good things, but they aren't necessarily mine. I don't know why it has taken me so long to realize that.
Maybe it's because I've been so desperate for a dream for so long. No one has forced anything on me, I simply want to have purpose. And that brought me to another lightbulb. While watching my niece may not be academically fulfilling, it is wonderful, more wonderful than I deserve. She is a little light in my life and I love her so much. She teaches me more than I teach her, I think. I'm so blessed.

So will I nanny for the rest of my life? Maybe not. But I am pretty happy and I can find ways to be fulfilled aside from saving the world or curing the common cold. I have options and I have my whole life ahead of me. That may be terrifying and overwhelming, but I will take it one day at a time and I am never alone. There is always Someone on my side. And that is a huge comfort and far more than I deserve.